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12:51 am ~ Dr. Roberto Le Camembert's Blog ~ May 2010 ~ Week of 05/17/10

There is a movement afoot. It's a minion movement. As fans of minions, we here at AarghBrainz can fully get behind this.

A robotic clone of Jamie Hyneman (mythbuster extrodinare) going by the name JamieMythBot is on a quest for minions. In particular, laser-wielding, world-enslaving, enhanced, evil, animal minions.

He's also taking suggestions (strangely people want to help find the best way to destroy themselves at the hands of a maniacal murder-bot). The problem with twitter, though, is that it's hard for newcomers to see what has already been suggested. As such, I've taken it upon myself to compile this list of creatures that have been tested, and why they have been found to be unsuitable.

Animal	Reason	Other notes
Shark	Sharks swim into each others lasers causing a feeding frenzy
Cats	Cats try to chase lasers.
Dolphins	Dolphins use lasers to drive catfish crazy	Dolphins suitable as minions of destruction against catfish
Elephants	Elephants use lasers to cut down tasty branches they cannot reach
Mice	Mice unable to carry lasers of suitable destructive power	Ran second simulation to test ability of mice to be organised
Mice (organised)	Impossible to herd mice
Giant Squid	Giant Squid are far too solitary
Labrador Retriever	Labradors are far too loyal to humans	Conclusion can be generalised to all canines
Kea	Keas prefer to explore and investigate rather than to destroy on command. Laser or no laser.
Monkey	Monkeys unable to maintain suitable level of serious behaviour. At all.	@donttrythis (Adam Savage) is in fact a very highly trained and evolved monkey. When he wants to be.
Bear	Bears keep starting forest fires with lasers, then putting them out!
Big Cats (Including panther)	Big Cats, like little cats, fall asleep in strong beams of light. Lasers do not help this.	Conclusion can be generalised to all felines
Weasel	Weasels keep trying to get out of the job of laser carrying.
Snakes	Even with a laser, snakes are more scared of you than you are of them.
Horse	Horses are too easily hijacked by rival megalomaniacs (using the old 'carrot and lump of sugar' routine)
Lemming	Lemmings fail because there are never enough climbers, floaters or miners
Platypus	Platypus fail due to impossibility to take them seriously. Unable to strike fear, only laughter.
Groundhog	Groundhog behaviour tied too closely to whether they see their own shadow - or not.
Cane toad	CANE TOADS EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE! SO MANY! 0x107101122041!	Cane toad simulation stopped with #BOOM
Crab	Crabs unable to mount frontal assault on targets.
Mole	Outfitting moles with lasers increases chances of their mutation into Mole people to unacceptable levels.	CANE TOADS?! 0xWTF! #BOOM
Echidna	Echidnas far too independant to be minions (additional): Unable to securely and reliably attach lasers to Echidna spines	Echidna brains unique: 50% neocortex. Difficult to simulate. Additional time needed.
Moose	Moose unsuitable minions as they seek revenge on hunters only
Rabbit	Rabbits unsuitable minions as, although they have vast destructive power, are much too focused on breeding.
Aardvark	Aardvarks unsuitable minions. Despite folklore, they cannot assist in walking through walls.
Koala	Koala claws and living altitude are impressive. However, unsuitable as minions due to dietary requirements.
Insects and smaller	Will not be tested due to size; unable to carry lasers of suitable destructive power	Swarms are not feasible to control, nor does laser production scale well in this direction.
Giant Isopod	Giant isopods move too slowly and only across limited terrain.
Fisher	Fisher unsuitable as minions due to limited native habitat and difficulty in breeding sufficient numbers
Thylacine (Tasmanian Tiger)	Currently unsuitable due to clone/breeding limitations
Hamster	Hamsters unsuitable as minions due to their propensity to dance to looping midi websites
Squirrel	Squirrels unsuitable as minions because they're too interested in their nuts.
Ligers	Ligers and other hybrids unsuitable due to there being insufficient numbers to stage attacks	Would probably also fall under 'big cats'
Mongoose	display considerable cunning - making them impossible to capture and train for use.
Giraffes	Giraffes? Giraffes! Impressive range due to height. However, size makes stealth impactical.
Marmoset	Instinct is to turn away from potential threats and enemies
@JohnCleese	Simply too recognisable to be a minion. Nothing to do with the silly walk. Really.	Even if cloning could work, too many @JohnCleese would just get out of hand. @JohnCleese is a chump.
Swordfish	Unsuitable on land, lacks rapier wit & cutting edge comedy of good minions.	All aquatic-based animals are no good on land
Pelican	Pelicans preen using the back of their heads. Not compatible with lasers.
Alligators and Crocodiles	Alligators and crocodiles both get too snappy under pressure.
Meerkat	Meerkats plus lasers take gang warfare to a whole new level.
Wombat	Lasers do not survive being crushed between a wombat and the roof of it's tunnel.
Barn Swallow	Barn swallows cannot stay on target. No match for @DarthVader.	Additional: Neither african nor european swallows can carry coconuts or other items required of a minion.
Lemur	Lemurs too optimised for arboreal lifestyle. #unsuitableminion for urban or desert activity.
Zebra	Do I even need to explain? The case against Zebras is totally black and white.
Seagull	Seagulls tend to prefer bumming around on the beach than putting in a hard days work.
Giant anteater	Where do you find giant ants? Giant anteater is an #unsuitableminion
Otter	Dietary needs make otters an #unsuitableminion. Unfeasible to source 20% of otter body weight in fish daily.
Badger	Badgers can successfully run a siege against weasels in toad hall. Military prowess makes them a #suitableminion	First suitable minion  badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger! Mushroom. Mushroom! badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger! Argh! A snake! #earworm   Have decided that badgers are in fact an #unsuitableminion. Clearing #earworm with #boom therapy
Capybara	As rodents of unusual size, capybaras can be defeated by students of the Dread Pirate Roberts
Warthog	Warthogs are an #unsuitableminion due to their propensity to flee from conflict.
Cow	You can milk a cow for everything it's worth, and it's still an #unsuitableminion. No bull.

From what I've seen, that's the list - I'll try to keep it updated as often as possible.

I'm excited to see what the final minion choice is. We much prefer to use other people's research other than our own. it's like using other people as unwitting minions.

UPDATE: Just to make it easier to see, the following classes or groups are no longer being accepted by our soon-to-be robotic overlord.

 

• Felines/cats (big or small). Distracted by light, and lasers just make it worse.
• Canines/dogs (all breeds). Too loyal to humans.
• Insects/anything smaller than a mouse (including mice). Too small to carry destructive lasers, and putting less destructive lasers on many individuals would be uneconomical.
• Hybrid animals (Ligers, Grolar bears, etc.). Difficult to breed in sufficient quantities to make a minion army
• Cryptids/Extinct animals (Thylacine, etc.). This should be pretty self explanatory. If it doesn't exist, then it won't make a good minion.
• Aquatic animals (fish, dolphins, etc.) No use on land, and as the majority of people to be conquered are on land, that makes them little use at all.

 

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01:28 am ~ Dr. Roberto Le Camembert's Blog ~ Sep. 2009 ~ Week of 09/14/09

I have, for my entire life, and some time before that, had parents. Perfect parents? Perhaps not, but pretty damned good ones, definitely. I love my parents, and they love me (so far as I'm aware). This, some will say, again means that I have no authority to speak. These people will find any excuse as to why what I say should be ignored. Perhaps they are right, but what I am about to say is not new. When one person says something that goes against your opinion, perhaps they are a crank. If two people say it, the crank has a friend. But this has been said so many times, by so many people that you should start to think that there might actually be a point to it.

I'm not a violent person. The title of this post may scream otherwise, but truly I'm not. I don't actually want to punch anyone in the face, but I DO want the world to make sense. No, I don't think a collective world face punch, no matter how hard, would actually make that happen.

The world seems to have abandoned common sense. Who needs to think, when you can blame your deficiencies on the big bad internet, or it's older cousin, TV.

Time to get to the point here. Or one of them, at least. No-one can parent your children for you. It is not, and should not, be up to the government to ensure that your darling children don't have access to violent or racy material. If you want to protect your children, do it yourself. The tools are all there to make it easy for you.

For example, if a game is rated MA 15+, then you should not buy it for your seven year old. Period. It isn't suitable. You can't buy the game for your child because all their friends have it, and then get up in arms about it being violent. You get what you paid for. Lobbying to get game content changed to protect your child doesn't actually protect them. It just annoys everyone who can legitimately buy and play the game. Sure, there's no blood now, but your child is still shooting people. All you have done is given them a game where there are no real consequences. You are part of the problem.

When the Wii-zapper came out, I remember seeing posts and rants about how inappropriate it was for children to be given something which resembles a gun. Aside from the fact that similar toys have been on the market for years (can you say "duck hunt"?) these people were correct. It may not be appropriate for children, so don't buy it. The easiest way to protect your children from the evils of the world is to not expose them in the first place.

Which brings me to my next point.

If you dress your children up like skanks, give them dolls which are skanks, and let them watch TV shows or movies that are full of skanks, they will want to act like skanks.

Is that so hard to understand? Cause? Effect? Oh, no, children are having sex because of the paedophiles on the internet, not because you have dressed them like skanks. I may be old fashioned here, but when I was a kid, if something wasn't appropriate for me, I didn't get it. It didn't matter how many of my friends got it, I didn't. Why? Because my parents understood that they made my buying decisions. Sure, I could pitch in a suggestion (or whine a whole heap), but it was their money they were spending.

I did have access to some violent games, and some lewd movies. I'm admitting that right now, in the interest of fairness. They weren't hidden away from me, but at the same time, they weren't handed to me without my parents knowing what they were about. My parents didn't get up in arms later about it. They knew what I was getting into before I got into it. They let me access it when I was old enough to understand it.

I hope that I can parent my future kids even half as well as my parents did me. I'd like to think that I turned out well adjusted. I'm not a sexual deviant, or a rampaging psychopath. I'm actually pretty normal. And that brings me to my final point.

If you accept your children for what they are, then you're more likely to maintain a happy and healthy relationship with them.

It's not rocket science. Kids will be kids. When they grow up, they'll be adults. Don't treat kids as adults, or adults as kids, and it should all be OK.

Nothing new has been said here. I've got no authority to dispense parenting advice until I've had and raised my own kids. This is all common sense, though. I will be following this advice with my children, and hoping that it all works out fine.

Stop blaming other people for your laziness, and we can all get on about our lives. The government isn't there to be your nanny. Stop messing with everyone else's lives to make your own easier.

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07:49 pm ~ mr oCean's Estuary ~ Mar. 2009 ~ Week of 03/09/09

Newton's Finest Gravity: holding stuff down since 1687.

Accept no imitations!

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12:55 pm ~ Nemo's Fishbowl ~ Jan. 2009 ~ Week of 12/29/08

http://cubeme.com/blog/2008/12/11/zombie-barbie/

what do little zombie girls play with?

Zombie barbie of course!

(damned if I know how she was converted. I can't imagine Zombie Ken would chase her for her tasty brainz...

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01:51 pm ~ The Cave of Ickis ~ Dec. 2008 ~ Week of 12/08/08

That's what happened to the second half of 2008.

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11:26 am ~ Nemo's Fishbowl ~ Oct. 2008 ~ Week of 10/27/08

Scene: two zombies who, for some reason give each other high five (perhaps pre-zombie buddies and this is still instinctive for them, even post-zombification?) Now these zombies are of the 'flesh seriously starting to rot variety' - and their hands are rotting - so their handbones get mangled and caught up with each other. They are locked together! (think people-with-braces kissing).

Hilarity ensues as they are now (post-mortem) conjoined zombies - with all the 'staying attached to each other' comedy you'd expect. If this joke wears thin, then further development could involve one zombie ending up with the limb of the other attached (after a failed elbow incident?)... the other zombie being then the butt of a bunch of 'armless' jokes

Note: I may extend and revise this idea (which is less than 24hours old and all thanks to Kitten and David) further on my wiki... please comment here or there... http://wiki.thorx.net/wiki/MovieScenes#Zombie ...any major rewrites I'll feed back to here also.

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11:02 pm ~ Dr. Roberto Le Camembert's Blog ~ Oct. 2008 ~ Week of 10/27/08

I found this today, after playing around on answerbag for the last couple of days.

http://www.answerbag.com/c_view/5446

It's a category devoted to zombies. Brilliant!

Now for those who don't know what answerbag is, it's kind of like yahoo answers, but it seems less about getting the most correct answer as about making people THINK you have the best answer. For some reason it's decided to make answering questions into a competition, and as such, there's that elitist attitude that everyone has come to expect from such sites.

Basically the older users move in packs, voting up each other's answers and congratulating each other on being ever so smart, all the while complaining about newer users, and how much better it was before anyone else knew about it.

Anyway, I've got an account there, and I'm sometimes helpful, and other times a complete arse. It makes me feel better about myself when people don't know if they should trust my advice or not.

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12:21 am ~ mr oCean's Estuary ~ Sep. 2008 ~ Week of 09/22/08

I'm glad my head's not made of Plasticine. If it were, I'd always be fiddling with it, making adjustments to my face, never quite content. And not only that: like a hirsuit chap always worried about getting food caught in his beard, I'd always be checking that bits hadn't been squished or moved out of place. And of course, in checking everything was in order, I would inevitably squish some key feature out of shape.

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05:57 pm ~ Nemo's Fishbowl ~ Sep. 2008 ~ Week of 09/08/08

http://blog.4d2.org/2008/01/30/the-worst-of-yahoo-answers-episode-2-myths-and-misconceptions/

Especially topical... "If a zombie had sex with a human, what would it be called?"

 Answer: sexual intercorpse
 Answer: Pr0n Of The Dead
 Answer: Michael Jackson

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